My Favorite Deep Thoughts on Life (i.e. Humor)

This is truth – if we laugh more, we live longer. p.s. none of these are original – I’m not that funny.

I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants – Feefiphobia.
There are 3 main types of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
“DO NOT TOUCH” would probably be really unsettling to read in Braille.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
When I die, I want my remains scattered all of the beach. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
There are a lot of judgmental people out there. I can tell by just looking at them.
I saw an old lady crying at Wal-Mart today. She said she lost her stimulus check from the government and couldn’t pay her rent. I felt so bad I gave her $100 because I had just found a check for $1,400 in the parking lot.
When I was growing up, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more than the zero times it has ever happened.
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
When I see lover’s names carved on trees, I think it’s strange how many people bring sharp knives on a date.
If you can’t think of a word, say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people think you are bilingual instead of an idiot.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they would never expect it.
If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said inspection” They’d probably feel real bad and maybe I could get out of it.
Stop, Drop and Roll was always such a big deal as a kid…I thought I would be on fire more than this as an adult.
No matter how old you are, when you are buying snacks for a road trip, it should always look like an unsupervised 9-year old was given $100.
If you found out you had only one day left to live, you should message 10 people on Facebook saying if they didn’t each forward the message to 10 more people, I could die tomorrow.
I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up in a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while swirling around you get to keep.
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, an it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I am capable of.
I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.
The face of a child can say a lot, especially the mouth part.
Have you ever thought that the moon we are looking at is the same moon Shakespeare, Cleopatra, Van Gogh, and Frederick Douglass all looked at. They all looked at the moon and they are now all dead. The moon is killing people – wake up America.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me mad with someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 that you owe me?”. Man, quit being so cheap!
There is nothing as pleasant as the sound of a child’s laughter. Unless it is 3 in the morning. And you are home alone. And you don’t have any children.
The best item to protect you from a Big Foot attack is a camera.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and no one got scared.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved them.
When you see someone wearing camouflage, be sure to walk into them so they know it’s working.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
If we come from dust, we will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
Its totally acceptable to tell someone to have a nice day, but if it was phrased as, “enjoy your next 24 hours,” somehow that’s threatening.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I’m a coward.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car — I forget what kind it was — and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
If you’re robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
It’s really sad when a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think there should be something in science called the “reindeer effect.” I don’t know what it would be, but I think it’d be good to hear someone say, “Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.”
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It’s cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!
One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
Many people don’t realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who’s in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he’s doing.
In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you’re just not going to get the good sleep that way.
When you receive a telemarketer call just say this, “It’s done! But there is blood everywhere!” If they reply, no matter what they say, respond with “Don’t you dare back out on me!”