Answers informed by ChatGPT, decided by me. I tried to select the toughest, meanest, image of the mascot I could find.
No. 7 Notre Dame vs. No. 10 Indiana
ChatGPT – “Stereotypes suggest that the Irishman, fueled by centuries of overcoming adversity and maybe a stout or two, would put up a good fight. But don’t underestimate a Hoosier’s farm-raised strength and work ethic!”
Verdict – The Irishman looks much tougher and meaner but also seems much smaller and older than the Hoosier. Why is the Irishman bald? The Irishman seems much readier to fight but the Hoosier looks like he could sit on the Irishman and win. The more recent version of the Hoosier seems to be a bull, but still seems tough. I will take the Hoosier in this Battle of the Mascots.
No. 6 Penn State vs. No. 11 SMU
ChatGPT – “The lion wins if it uses stealth and its predatory instincts effectively. The mustang wins if it lands a well-placed kick or manages to escape using its speed and endurance. Ultimately, the lion has the edge in predatory combat, but the mustang’s strength and speed give it a fighting chance.”
Verdict – On the surface, this one seems easy. Unless the lion (which in this case is a mountain lion,) doesn’t understand the power of a mustang’s kick, the lion should win. Although the second SMU mascot image looks like a tough horse, the primary SMU Mustang mascot looks like a horse that could just as easily be running away, instead of running into battle. Although I must admit, outside of the Nittany Lion statue, the actual mascot of the Nittany Lion does not look scary at all. All that being said, I will take the Nittany Lion in this Battle of the Mascots.
No. 5 Texas vs. No. 12 Clemson
ChatGPT – In an open confrontation, the longhorn’s size and horns give it a significant advantage. A well-placed charge or swing of the horns could injure or kill the tiger. The longhorn likely wins in a direct confrontation, using its horns and size to fend off the tiger. On the other hand, the tiger is more likely to succeed in its natural role as a predator, but a longhorn defending itself would be a formidable opponent.
Verdict – The match plays out similarly to the Penn State Nittany Lion vs. the SMU Mustang. Instead of a mountain lion vs. a plucky horse, now we have a tiger vs. a cow with large horns. Large cats often use surprise to their advantage, which is nullified in this case. I don’t think a tiger would want to take on a longhorn cattle ready to protect itself but if only one of them could leave the battlefield, I will take the Tigers in this Battle of the Mascots.
No. 8 Ohio State vs. No. 9 Tennessee
ChatGPT – The Volunteer (a human pioneer/soldier) likely wins. It’s hard to see how a small nut could defeat a person, no matter how spirited the Buckeye is. If the Volunteer avoids slipping on a Buckeye, they probably take the win!
Verdict – ChatGPT interprets the Volunteer as a human instead of the images of Smokey, a blue-tick coonhound that come up if searching for the mascot. In either case, it shouldn’t matter. What are the fighting abilities of a nut? That is what a buckeye is. ChatGPT calls a buckeye a “decorative trinket.” I found a bunch of buckeyes one time and they are impressive for a member of the nut family – large, hard, round, and unbreakable. But you would need a fairly powerful “nut gun” to fire at the Volunteer (person or dog) to do any damage. I will take the Volunteers in this Battle of the Mascots.
Deep Thoughts on Higher Ed and Life 